War is hell. Sounds of gunfire fill the air. Mortar fire pouring down like fire from the heavens. Many of your friends have passed on, but you still must charge forward. Suddenly, you’re surrounded. Guns pointed at you, but then you hear something. “I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh.”
No way. Deuteronomy 32:42. What version of the Bible is that? Uh, the King James version. Whoa, we got an old head over here. Did you inherit that from your grandpa? Yeah, you own that child. Get out of here now. If you want to live, idiot. Gosh. Nag, nag, nag. You sound like my wife. And you know what Proverbs 21:19 says about nagging wives. Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. Okay, I’m going to kill you now. Ah, thou shalt not kill, which is actually said multiple times in different parts of the Bible. Meaningless. Meaningless. Utterly meaningless. Everything is meaningless. Ecclesiastes 1:1-2. Nice.
The Saga of Tanya the Evil, or as more sophisticated people call it
The Saga of Tanya the Evil, or as more sophisticated people call it, the military chronicles of a little girl, is one of my favorite anime of all time. Because there’s nothing I love seeing more than children succeed in an adult-dominated field. Yet, despite being extremely popular, it has seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. So, if a second season ever does come out, please be sure to tell my casket the good news.
But despite only getting one season, something always draws me back to rewatch it. So, let me show you Salvation. Spoiler warning. Germany is in a war. But this time, everyone just attacked and bullied the Fatherland for no reason. In a different universe where the Central Powers won World War I, this is what their history books would say.
In the middle of this horrific conflict is a 9-year-old child soldier
In the middle of this horrific conflict is a 9-year-old child soldier. At first glance, Tanya appears to be a patriotic young lady who took GRTC too seriously in high school and debates religion with the most intelligent of people—college students. However, as Caitlyn Jenner once said, behind every great woman is a greater man. Roger was every male in a Korean drama with big dreams of being a CEO. But for now, he’s a mere office worker who always listens to his boss, even when he’s given the job to fire people.
Read More: I Want To Unwatch This Anime But You Might Love It
One of these people fell for the easiest rage bait of all time and slammed him in a subway when suddenly the world froze. Hello, it is I, God. I’m a rational person. I believe in logic and reason, not in God’s existence. Uh, are you serious right now? I’m here right now and time is frozen. Okay, how about now? Now I’m a pigeon. I think I’ll call you Being X. What? No, I’m not the alien from Ben 10. Though you could argue that he was a cop.
Of course, there’s no faith in a world full of advanced science
Of course, there’s no faith in a world full of advanced science where almost everyone’s core needs are met. Here, you only matter to the weak and desperate who look for someone to cling to when times get hard. Oh, so only people in dire situations need God. Uh, well, technically, but hold on. Very well. I’m going to place you in World War I in an orphanage and you’ll be a woman. Wait, what? Enjoy period cramps and stalking your ex’s Instagram. That’s right.
The whole Vacation Bible School persona was a lie. In reality, all Tanya desires is that cushy Air Force officer life in the back lines. In order to accomplish this tedious dream, she took a magical aptitude test where she discovered she had the potential to become a military mage.
What exactly are military mage powers?
What exactly are military mage powers? Well, they can utilize flying gear. Their bullets become bombs. They can make holograms, shields, and do sky skiing. The mage system is pretty cool because nobody really cares about mages like when people do a yearly “miss you dad” post 40 years in a row. Mages to everyone is just another part of war. But their abilities lead to some of the coolest aerial fights, mostly because they don’t have to animate the floor.
After discovering her God-given powers, the first thing she does is sign up for the military. Every child’s true calling is the front lines. At least this answers the age-old question: what is the first thing you do after becoming a woman? Enlist.
Apparently, however, any person with more morals than the Führer—the other one—would say a child should never fight in a war meant for men. But who’s going to stop them? This begins the unbreakable loop of life for Tanya. Tanya almost dies killing a group of enemies, meaning she can finally get a nice comfy job being a drill sergeant. Despite the circumstances, everything’s going my way. Not for long.
If there’s one thing you can always bet on happening
If there’s one thing you can always bet on happening is that no matter how hard she’s working, Being X will show up suddenly to make her life a living hell. Pun intended. Here’s how most of their interactions go. Come on, I’m like a god. Praise me. No. What the fuck, dude? All the other kids are doing it. Just take a hit of faith. No. I may be a nutcracker, but you’re the one busting my balls right now. So, just a little praise. No. Okay. From now on, you have to quote Bible verses and pray to me for your powers to work. A fuck.
The rest of the anime follows Tanya getting put in charge of the Navy SEALs and getting an operation and doing an operation and getting an operation and doing an operation, etc. But there’s always danger on the horizon. I am certain that this conflict will inevitably turn into a full-fledged world war. A world war? Yes. One where the majority of the world’s most powerful countries are fighting. A world war. I’m talking about global war. A world war. But that would only happen if someone joined the war. That someone being the US.
This is one of the most popular isekai in the world
This is one of the most popular isekai in the world because this perfectly captures what war is like, says the grown man sitting in his parents’ basement with the closest thing to a war he’s ever seen being Monopoly night as a kid. Uh, you don’t understand. It gets pretty heated when your parents start conspiring against you to win. If he wanted to see a real little girl in combat, he should enlist.
Most of these battles are based around strategy with whoever having the most information winning the war. Yet, despite having a lot of planning, there’s never a dull moment in this anime. And if you enjoy high-stakes action and war, sign here, initial there and there, and the date—you don’t know the date. Man, you really are unemployed.
The characters are all unforgettable
The characters are all unforgettable. You have Tanya—dead-named Roger—Miss Jelly Beans Man, and uh, the rest of them. Even if nobody remembers any of the side characters’ names, you still enjoy all of them. Like when you go to a family reunion. Except that girl who became the strongest with no training and survived a firing squad to the face. If they didn’t name her Mary Sue, I might have to call Disney for copyright infringement. But the power of Christ compels her, I guess.
Tanya gets a negative rep. This is more like the saga of Tanya the normal under the circumstances of warfare. I mean, could this little angel really be doing all of those war crimes? She’s basically Germany’s Captain America. Even that time she murdered all of those possible terrorist extremist other buzzwords you stick in a newspaper. She was right. Those citizens could have come back for revenge when they got weapons. So, do you prevent a possible problem before it happens from a generalization? Sure, she’s heartless. Yet, she could be right.
But I’m not a philosopher. I’m a comedian. And if you agree with her actions, sign here—it’s funny because this time it’s for the police. I’m glad that they decided not to do the evil priest with evil religion that uses their power for evil. Instead, they made Being X the biggest hater in anime, constantly making Tanya’s life miserable by manipulating other people to do evil. Damn it. This must be the God women talk about when they say God sent temptation into their life to test them. Or men who are told by God to start a podcast about sports.
To think that this entire show could have been solved
To think that this entire show could have been solved by a Jehovah’s Witness coming to this man’s door a day earlier. This begs the question: with season 1 premiering in 2017, being created by Studio Nut—which was a massive commercial success resulting in over 10 million light novels being sold and a successful movie—where is season 2?
Well, fear not everyone. Like Paul Revere, I bring news. Season 2 was announced to be in production in June 2021. That’s right. Paul Revere brought bad news, didn’t he? Studio Nut is known for making about one anime a year, so take your time, little buddy. Sure, Tanya has shown up more in Isekai Quartet than her own show, but someone has to make Bullbuster season 2.
Wait, is that Paul Revere coming back with more news? Recently, an animator for Studio Nut accidentally leaked in a YouTube video that Tanya will be returning in 2026. But that’s just speculation. After all, I really wouldn’t call Paul Revere a reliable source.
Interesting fact: this anime was supposed to be one of my first videos. So, when I watched it, I originally wrote down a single joke, and I feel obligated to tell you my past self’s joke. Do you know what Tanya and Slime have in common? They both lost their dicks. Yeah, some people are just born with it, I guess.
In conclusion, child soldiers might just be the most effective soldiers
In conclusion, child soldiers might just be the most effective soldiers. Zero out of 10. Never overachieve or people might start expecting too much of you, like uploading a world war.
